Wednesday, October 31, 2012

It feels like ChAoS!

Sometimes God brings great trials before a blessing in our life. This stretches us, grows us, and ultimately prepares us to appreciate the blessing.

Other times trials come to teach us something. Maybe even to have a greater appreciation for what He has already blessed us with. Perhaps, to remove some junk out of our hearts.

I'm not sure what direction God is taking "this trial" in our lives. I can't see the ending point.

Sometimes, I have "feelings" or "vibes" about the direction a situation is going, even "peace" of what will be. This time, I don't have that. Instead, I have an ache. A painful, crippling ache in my heart. I am powerless to affect the outcome and I have no idea what will come forth.

Admitting that I feel this emptiness is humbling. I'm allowing my self to be vulnerable and out of control. I'm confessing that I am struggling. My hard exterior is crumbling away to reveal my gooey center. And there is nothing that I can do. But wait and believe.

I have to believe that God is in control. I know He loves all people. Everyone involved in this situation. In my flesh, that is hard to swallow. Yes, God loves EVERYONE in this situation. EVERYONE.

I have a lot of fears. Some are legitimate, some not so much. Regardless, they all feel real. Each jolt is valid within my mind and heart.

So for anyone thinking thatthink I'm perfect, you can rest assured that is all wrong.
I'm a wreck. I fail. Often.

I know that I should not be anxious for anything but instead I should pray and receive peace. Yet, fear sneaks up on me.

I trust God, yet I struggle with each footstep on the path.

God is definitely stretching me. He has a plan. I do believe that. I trust that. I trust Him.

For the moment, there is nothing I can do to impact this situation. It is out of my hands.
However, I can allow God to personally impact my heart. I can feel Him working in me.
It hurts. But a grapevine must be pruned to produce good fruit. So, I welcome the shears- tearing off the dead stuff hanging around in my heart.
I'm learning some lessons on this journey. Greater appreciation for what God has already done is one of them.

With sorrow, I can see clearly, things that I have needed to change in myself. Maybe if I had learned that already, this lesson wouldn't have to teach me that. Better to learn it now, than later, or never.
So, prune away. Even though it hurts.

Smile (at least a small one) :) donnamusing

I caught these lyrics recently:

Whatever you're doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Here is the song:

No comments: